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Saturday, December 14th, 2002
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2:00 am - thank god that one's over
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There went 5 days of my life I will never get back, nor would I want to. What a lousy week. Work sucked and I was broke. And when I say broke...I overdrew my overdraft. How's that for broke. I got paid today (friday) and already don't have much left. But it all went to bills and such, and this time I didn't miss 100$ like I did in last check's budget. No damage done. I didn't bounce anything, and my bills are all almost caught up. Damn cell phone! I am still paying for calls from when I was with Jolene. Damn women!! Why is it I can't say anything that isn't bitter about an ex girlfriend, except one. Marlana, whom I dated in August/Sept of 2001, was the one I let get away. I broke it off with her cuz "I wasn't ready to be in a relationship." I realized this too late, and lost her to someone else who probably deserved her more than I. The funny thing is, she's married now, and we still talk quite frequently. There's always a bit of underlying remorse there, but never spoken of course because of the present situation. There's not a lot of regret here, because I know shit happens, yada yada. Just wonder a lot how it could have been. Hindsight is 20/20 right? Foresight is a blind motherfucker.
Anyway, sounds like Chris is happier than I've seen him in a long time. Just the little bit we talk about online, I can tell things are better. Sometimes I find myself wondering about my dad, and how he's doing. My grudge is alive and well, but it has an occasional hole in it. But not big ones. Just enough to wonder about. I remember how I felt the few times I saw him from a distance this past summer, and I'm glad we don't talk now. I don't want to know him anymore. He hurt those who were closest to him, and he doesn't deserve us. That being said, I think it's bedtime. This dayshifter isn't used to being up at 2am anymore. Must be getting old :P
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| Sunday, December 8th, 2002
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2:01 am - I am no superman
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Hey all, from the land of Jerm's brain! This journal is such a good friend. It listens when no one else will, or when I just feel like rambling. Which is what I feel like tonight. I have been drinking, and letting my mind wander a bit. Been thinking about the past, the future, things like that. I have been thinking about my purpose on this earth, and what I am supposed to do here. Sometimes I feel I have no purpose. And I often wonder who I am supposed to share this life with, and why I haven't found her yet. Be patient, these things take time; you're young, what's your hurry...blah blah blah. I'm tired of the cliched answers that people think make you feel better, when they really do nothing but make you feel worse. I stumble through most of my days in a mental fog. I sit at the computer for hours on end, doing nothing to better myself. I have no motivation it seems. I thought I did sometime ago, but I just seem to fall back to the ground again. Get up, brush myself off, try it again...sounds so simple. Yes, I'm a whiny little bitch that needs to shut up and fix my problems. Oh well. If it's that easy, you fix them.
current music: Lifehouse-Spin (you're right Chris, good song)
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| Friday, December 6th, 2002
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2:47 pm - It's been awhile...
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Hey all from the land of Sin. Been a bit since I posted, so I thought I would stop by and say hello. Nothing much has been going on lately. Just settled into the new house, loving it here. It makes Vegas seem a smidge more tolerable. It takes way less time to get to work and back. I don't trust the neighborhood we live in, but it's that way in this whole city. You're never really safe here. Oh well. Anyway, that's about all to report from here. Peace!
current music: GN'R, You could be mine
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| Friday, November 29th, 2002
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5:42 pm - I only gained 200 lbs this weekend...
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Well, it feels that way anyhow. Went to 'thorne for turkey day. Spent it with my other family. Got to see the kids and be Coral's personal jungle gym. It's nice to be out of Vegas and with people I love for awhile. Scott and I drove up to Lucky Boy Pass today. I hadn't been up that far since I was a kid. I forgot how beautiful it was. You can see all the way to the Sierra's from there. I wanted to go to Lee Vining or Mammoth, but that's ok. Maybe tomorrow. Other than that, not much is going on. Just sitting here, playing some games and listening to Scott play his gitwang. I don't know what we're going to do tonight.
Oh, by the way, I ran into Amber (ex gf) today. It's always a little odd seeing her. She had a lot of potential, and she let herself get stuck in this town. Oh well. Shit happens....
Off for now. Take it easy!
current mood:  blah
current music: Whatever it is Scott is playing
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| Friday, November 22nd, 2002
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12:09 am - pondering
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Been thinking about a lot of different things the last couple of days. World peace, my future, my friends and loved ones, love and loves past, bud vs. bud light....hehe. Not sure if my thoughts have been good or bad. Not much going on in my world right now that gives me much hope for the future. Love is as corrupt as our government it seems. I can't find someone that loves me for me and what I have to offer. They feed me lies and build up my hopes, only to break me down again. I wish I could be happy alone, but I'm not built that way. All I want is to be loved, and I don't think that's so much to ask. Or maybe it is. Who knows? Not I, that's for sure. I do know I need to get out of Vegas. I realize this is a recurring theme, but trust me, it never stops repeating in my head. I have nothing worth staying here for. I mean no harm toward my friends here, but this isn't where my heart is. I suppose I should be patient. Or maybe I should get out more...lol. That would probably help. Oh well. I don't want to bore you with anymore of my ramblings. I need to go to bed anyway. G'night
current mood:  indescribable
current music: Lie in our graves, DMB
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| Tuesday, November 19th, 2002
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11:57 pm - P.S.
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Probably my favorite song in the world, Scratch, by my brother. I know he wrote it to describe his life, but it fits mine, too. Thanks, Chris, for sharing your theme with me. :)
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Scratch
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11:31 pm - things that make you go hmmm
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I must be going loonie. I had C&C Music Factory stuck in my head today. Go fig. Things are fair here. I won't say spectacular because then I would be lying. Things aren't bad either though. They just "are". I have emmersed myself in work lately. Been there long hours, running day shift. I volunteered for the extra responsibility and I'm loving it. People look up to me and respect me at work, and it's a godo feeling. I think I discovered what my problem may be here, why I don't like it so well, why I feel burned out all the time. I have no civilian friends here. All my friends are people from work. Or their significant others. I love them to death, but it's nice to get away sometimes. In Utah, I had several friends in Provo, and a few in Ogden, and I could get away from the base on the weekends and be with people that have little idea what I do during the week. Even though I don't live on base here, I still feel like I can never escape. *sigh*
Not much else has been going on. It's kind of nice actually. I read other people's journals and thank goodness my life is relatively simplistic. I bought microsoft flight simulator last week. I love getting in the planes and flying around. It reminds me of my drives I go on sometimes, with no real destination in mind. I want to do that for real some day. It's one of my dreams. I just wish I could find the motivation to persue it. Maybe one of these days...lol
Haven't been sleeping so well lately. It's not that I really miss any one person. I just miss sleeping alone. It's nice to wake slightly in the night because you have rolled away from the person you're sleeping next to, and go find them again, and snuggle all warm and close. I wonder if I will ever find someone that values the little things as much as I do. I didn't use to, but you learn as you get older what things you should prioritize.
I have tomorrow off!! Yea!! I had to work both days this past weekend. Ugh. It kept me from going out and spending money. And the important thing is that by trading to work this past weekend, I don't have to work on turkey day. I get to spend it with people I consider family. They are the closest people to me besides my mom and brother. I truly love Scott, Dana, Coral, and Jaden as though they were blood. They are blood. I would do anything for them. I hope they realize how much I love and cherish them, even if I'm not always the best friend. Speaking of my brother, I don't see him online much anymore, and it's nice to be able to read his thoughts and life through his journal. I often wonder what he's doing, where he goes. Not to pry, just out of curiousity. We took a big step in becoming brothers again this summer, and kind of regressed again. I'm hoping that will resolve itself when we live in Reno. One day...
And I'm done and I'm done and I'm under the next one...
current music: Hitting Home, by my talented sibling :)
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| Wednesday, November 13th, 2002
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9:56 pm - wednesday
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Why do we spend so much time trying to figure out the past, rather than trying to fix the present? I am watching a show on History Channel about how Davy Crocket really died. Who cares? Let people believe he died at the Alamo. Jeez...sorry, somewhat of a tangent.
Anyway, I hate that Scott has so much drama in his life. He does nothing to invite it, yet it comes to him anyway. Valerie, I don't know if you read this at all, but you will never be forgiven for what you have done to my friend. He doesn't deserve the things you've done. Andy, I know you don't read this, but the same goes for you. I have lost all respect for you. You were once a decent person, may be one again now, but what you did is unforgiveable. I will not tolerate my friends treating each other in such ways. It's wrong. Scott is like my other brother, someone that has been there for me when few others have. You mess with him, it's war with me. Scott, I wish you the strength to stick to your guns and not talk to those that harm you. It hurts me that you give them so many chances, though I know it's your nature. You must learn to protect your heart, and whom you give it to.
Ok, now that I have said that, I feel better!! Night for now.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: Korn
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| Sunday, November 10th, 2002
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5:14 pm - lazy
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What a lazy weekend this has been. I got caught up on all my lost sleep, and have just lounged around for the last two days. Talked to mom today, turns out her weekend has been the same. At least she went out last night. I didn't even do that. I wanted to go out, just never got the motivation. Oh well. Saves me money right? Not much to report from Jeremy-land today. Things are good, feeling rested, ready to tackle next week. More to come...
current mood:  content
current music: none, watching football
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| Saturday, November 9th, 2002
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2:29 am - howdy
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Long time no talk!! :) Everything has been pretty uneventful, except for work. Lots of jets broke, keeping me busy. I didn't get to go to Cali this weekend like I was planning, might have to go into work. Save me some money that way I guess. I am sad I can't see Scott, Dana, and the kids, and whatever hotties Scott wants to introduce me to...lol. Oh well. I will see them over turkey day. That's only a couple of weeks away.
So, how am I doing, you might ask? Great actually!! What a difference a couple of days makes. My head is clear. Thoughts are good once again. I haven't even thought about her in the last few days. Purging the bad from my system. Ahhh, it feels nice. The only thing that has been wrong the last few days, is that I've had trouble sleeping. I don't know why. I just toss and turn til 1 or 2 in the am, and I have to be at work at 7:30. Makes the day kind of rough. Today after I got home, I napped for a couple of hours. I didn't want to, cuz I knew I would be up late (and here I am!, but I feel better. And I'm getting tired enough again I think to get some more sleep. I have to be prepared to get called in at the buttcrack of dawn. I haven't heard anything from work yet, which is a good sign. Hope it stays that way. Oh, by the way, if you haven't already gotten the new Foo Fighters, I suggest you do. It's good stuff. Night night for now!
current mood:  sleepy
current music: One By One, Foo Fighters
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| Monday, November 4th, 2002
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9:50 pm - Here's to slow "children playing" and "cross traffic"
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I don't know what I want to write here tonight. My mind is muddled. Thoughts of the future, thoughts of today...wondering how it is that I have become so weak that I can seem like a freak or a stalker to someone I shared such a bond with. I hate this. This is so out of character for me to be this way. My friends know this. I have always been good at picking up, moving on, never looking back. Yet I fell, fell way too hard, way too fast this time. I let myself go in a way I never have, not even with my ex wife. And when I finally hit bottom, OUCH! I have felt angry and hurt over how someone could claim to love me so much, then let me go so easily. I know she would argue this fact, but from my end, that's how it seemed. Nothing she can say would ever change how I feel about that. One day it was I love you, the next it was I'm not sure I can do this. And I understand some of why she did what she did. I can empathize, having been there myself not too long ago. I made the mistake of hoping she was ready for the same thing I was ready for. That was foolish and unrealistic of me. I hate that love, or my perception of it anyway, has made me like this. Time to let go you ask? Well, duh! It was time for that weeks ago. I should've realized then what a fool I had been. Sounds like the cheesy lyrics to some song. And if she ever reads this, I don't want her to be offended. I loved her, loved the time we had together. I am just sorry I had such a hard time letting go. I guess when you love someone that much, you do things you normally wouldn't have done. Now when I hear about how someone has been clingy, I will know what they mean. And try not to be that way ever again. It's ok to let go, I know that. Even my journal is telling I've been weird...or are those the voices? hehehehe
Don't worry about me. I will be ok. I always am.
current mood: peaceful
current music: Godsmack, Whatever
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| Sunday, November 3rd, 2002
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10:25 pm - :)
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Finally got settled into the new house. Already enjoying it more than the little apartment I just moved out of. I got so sick of that place. Today was the first day I just got to sit and relax. I'm watching Top Gun on VH1 right now. I must be bored!! lol Things are kind of weird in my head. I had a bad conversation with Jolene today. I just wanted to talk to her, see how she was, and I got the cold shoulder big time. I want to be her friend, but I'm not going to be the only one making the effort. That isn't fair. Oh well. Her loss. I truly wish her the best and all the happiness in the world. If she doesn't want me in her life, oh well. What can I do? I'm tired of worrying about it.
hmmm...what else? I think I am going to No Cali to spend the weekend with Scott and Dana for Vets Day. I need to get out of here for the weekend. I am so tired of Vegas. I hate the traffic, the smog, just about everything about this place. My friends and this new house are the lone bright spots. *sigh* Time...it's all about time. I will be out of here soon enough. Ok, I'm done whining. Bye for now.
current mood:  weird
current music: Danger Zone, from Top Gun :)
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| Wednesday, October 30th, 2002
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1:45 am - see ya
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Thought I would write and say bye bye for the next day or two. Going to be moving the computer tomorrow, won't have internet til Friday or Saturday. Don't know what I will do with myself!! lol :P
current mood: tired
current music: 311
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| Tuesday, October 29th, 2002
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11:50 pm - pink fuzzy bunny slippers
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Been busy the last couple of days, painting the new place, getting it ready to live in. We started moving some stuff over tonight. Lots more to do still. I didn't think it would be fun to paint a 2050 sq foot house, but it wasn't that bad. Busy work takes the mind off of things. Been pretty clear headed lately, which is good. I still miss Jolene, miss her a lot. But I can't live my life pining for the impossible, so I might as well get on with things. Right? Right! I am thinking about getting a part time job. I want to get my finances under wraps before I get out of the air force. I have just over 2 years to do it. Might seem like a long time, but it goes by pretty fast. I have a lot of things I want to do over the next few years. I need to write them down. My mom told me making a list of things make them seem more concrete. Well, gotta get back to packing. Bye for now!
current mood: calm
current music: Sunshower, Chris Cornell
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| Thursday, October 24th, 2002
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10:24 pm - curiouser and curiouser
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Had a decent day today, other than hearing the guy renting us the house backed out. We have to renew our lease or find a new place to live by next Friday!! Ugh!! I woke up telling myself, no moping, no whining, no feeling sorry for myself. And it actually worked. I felt great pretty much all day. Took a drive up to Mt Charleston, enjoyed the wind in my hair and the smell of the pines. It made me long for the day when I am in Reno, together with family and friends, making a new life for myself and whoever wants to join me. ;) I have to let go of bad feelings that I harbor, insecurities that I possess, and learn to be happy by myself, before I can ever hope to be happy with someone else. I am going down that road, starting NOW! What better time to start? Can't put it off, or I will never do it. I always tell people that if you want to do something, then just do it. Don't talk about it. Well, I need to take my own advice. Goodnight!
current mood:  determined
current music: DMB, my fave!
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12:05 am - what I need to do
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Well, I just talked to Jo tonight. She told me that she's worried about me, and that I should see someone to talk about my feelings. I agree with her. But will I do it? I'm not sure my pride will let me. It's not that I feel that counselors are silly. I have seen them help my mom and brother through a lot, as well as heard other stories of how they can help. It's that I have gotten through most of my situations in life through my own tenacity and inner strength. It makes me feel weak inside to think that I may have to rely on someone other than myself to get me through my rough spots. But with the loneliness I feel inside, and the hopelessness that seems to have permiated my daily life, maybe seeing someone about this is what I need. I have started to worry myself even. That must be a sign that something's wrong. No need to worry, folks. I would never kill myself or do anything stupid like that. I just don't get down like this very often.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Breath you in, Stabbing Westward
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| Tuesday, October 22nd, 2002
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9:41 pm - strange jeremy
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Been a couple of days, thought I better put something here. I have been out of sorts lately, not quite myself. I don't know what it will take to bring me back again. My days have been a daze, so to speak. ;) I kind of wonder through them aimlessly, hoping for bedtime. This moping around isn't healthy. I need a hobby..lol. I feel so lonely here sometimes. I can call friends and talk, but it's different when you have them around. I stay at work longer than I have to sometimes, just so I don't have to come home to this empty place. I used to love having my space, having my privacy. Now I feel all clingy and codependent. God, what a head case!!!! Grrrrr... Time. Time is what I need, to snap me out of this funk. I feel bipolar. I was extremely happy for the better part of the last year; August and September were the best!! Now, I've hit the bottom of the hill. Whine whine whine...that's all my head does!! Someday I will know the happiness I know I am destined for. It's all a matter of time...
current mood:  cranky
current music: Incubus, Stellar
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| Sunday, October 20th, 2002
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12:06 am - wasted weekend
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Woke up at 6:30, had to work at 7:30. Ugh!! I hate weekend duty! Thankfully I only do it once every other month or so. But having to go in both days sucks. At least I get comp days for it. :) Got off at noon, came home, installed Windows XP, which I picked up at the BX today. After getting a few hardware issues worked out, I can honestly say it's the best 95 bucks I ever spent...lol. Well, maybe not the BEST, but still pretty good. My computer hasn't locked up or shut down once, no matter what array of programs I was running. I was about to give up hope on my computer!!
I spent a lot of the day thinking about stuff. Lots of stuff. My recent relationship, my mom, getting out of the air force, my friends. I want to be a better friend, a better son, a better lover. A better person in general. I just don't know where to start. Sometimes I feel stagnant, like my life is going nowhere fast. I wonder what I will do once I am out of the relative comfort of the military. Believe it or not, it's scary to think of getting a real job. But I am looking forward to living in Reno. Getting to live near the ones I love again. I am starting to believe that is where I will find love as well. I can wait for that. I have found it, of course, but it wasn't meant to last. You can't make a relationship work by yourself, no matter how you try. Just have to find someone that wants me as much as I want her. After this last heartache, I'm in no hurry to hunt again. If she comes around soon, I will take her back. But I'm not going to wait forever. I deserve more than that. At least that's what people tell me. I just wonder what the future will bring. I feel like my talents are being wasted here. I have found a knack for leadership, and taking charge at work when others won't step up, but I want more than that. And I want more than Vegas has to offer me. Too big, too hot, too dirty. Excess is what Vegas is all about. And I want no part of it. I'm here mostly because of my ex wife. It's had it's goods, but it almost killed me too. Damn alcohol!! lol
Running out of places to ramble. I just hope my friends know how much I truly care about them and love them. I miss the ones I can't be near. Soon, though, Very soon. I know my life will come together one day. I just have to keep working on it. I have so much to offer the world. I only hope I get the chance.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Live, DMB, Dishwalla, good mood music
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| Friday, October 18th, 2002
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11:59 pm - The answer
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Well, I heard tonight what I had been dreading for the last week. She doesn't want to be with me right now. And the funny thing is, I'm taking it way better than I could've hoped I would. I understand where she's coming from. I was in that same boat not too long ago myself. I'm more upset that the timing was bad I guess. But I will be just fine. I think I am stronger than I give myself credit for sometimes. I too probably need to lay off the relationship thing. Maybe a year away from someone wasn't enough time. Maybe ten years wouldn't be. Who knows? I sure don't. But then, I don't think we're meant to know things like that. You just have to test the waters one foot at a time. I need to know me. I don't know me like I thought I did. I spent a year in a bottle of alcohol. That wasn't really healing. If anything, it helped to make me more codependent than I already was. Some time to myself. Thats what I need. Well, and time to you, too, journal. I can't forget you! :)
current mood: coping
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9:03 pm - Friday night
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Well, here it is friday night, I just got paid, and can't do anything!!! lol I have weekend duty and have to be in both days at 0730. Yuck!! I don't need to be out spending money anyway, although, a weekend of drinking is so tempting. If for nothing else, just to help loosen up. Although, I will admit, the last couple of days have been nice. I miss talking to Jolene, but the worrying about what she might say, or what I might say for that matter, probably took a couple of years off of my life. The last two nights, I have slept well, with fairly pleasant dreams, and have been eating better, too. I still worry a bit about how our first conversation will go after this hiatus, but not too much. She's going to do whatever she wants to do, and there's not much I can do about it. I have come to terms with that. I know we will still be friends and stuff like that, if she decides she's not ready for this. I hope whatever course of action she decides on will include me. I will be ok if it doesn't.
current mood: calm
current music: Whatever my computer decides to play
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